Real Writing Housewives

It occurred to me today... I HAVE NOTHING TO WATCH!  Everything I love has either had a series or season finale!  


What to do?  OK, fine the Real Housewives are still on, but man, New Jersey is super weak... A pack of uneducated, lame women who sometimes get drunk and violent.  For the most part, much like watching paint dry.


New York, always good, but about to end.  Although, that should be one hell of a season finale.  And speaking of the Real Housewives, while browsing on Amazon.com yesterday, I came across "Body by Bethenny," which just looks like yoga (don't think Bethenny Frankel had much to do with creating yoga), but what I also noticed, was how high the Skinny Girl's books were rated by Amazoners.  I saw at least four books by Bethenny Frankel, all with an average rating of about 4 out of 5 stars.  


Then I noticed that even mildly retarded, table flipping, New Jersey Mafia wife, Theresa Giudice has a cookbook out called, Skinny Italian: Eatit and Enjoy it Live La Bella Vita and Look Great, Too!


Also carries impressive ratings!  And hey!  She can write!  Well, perhaps that's true, but I'm pretty sure the other name on the book, Heather Maclean was responsible for any successful verb-subject agreement that occurs on those pages.  


Then!  New York Housewife Alex McCord's  book she co-wrote with exceedingly metrosexual husband Simon, Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City.  Um, they live in Brooklyn.  Hope that's part of an explained joke on the inside cover.  Huge ratings!  Five stars out of 5!!!


Wait a minute... are amazon reviewers just really partial to Real Housewives and anything, any of them, might write or sling?   A tad more research gave me the answer, which is a very clear NO.


Yep, two more New York Housewives have books out, which Amazoners... do not like.  First we have the much anticipated and mocked, Class with the Countess, by Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, which recived an average rating of 2 out of 5 stars.  Nah, I wouldn't want to read it either, and she's so damn condescending on the show, I'm sure I'd hate every page of it.


Lastly I glanced at Jill Zarin's ratings for the book she co-wrote with her mother and sister, Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Stories, Real Love.  Yep, well not much real love from Amazon reviewers who gave the read a 2 out of 5 star rating.  Most of the reviewers gave it 1 star and were rather scathing, calling the advice "cold" and "calculating."  


There you have it: a show on Bravo does not equal successful book reviews.


However!  That is NO reason to start recording music!  Step away from the microphone LuAnn!! 

One Tall, Pretty Glass of Crazy, Please.

Well, it's never nice to poke fun at the mentally ill, unless the mentally ill is a bitchy New York, ex-model, socialite-wanna-be who made the very unfortunate decision to display herself to the world on Bravo's "Real Housewives of New York."  In case you missed last night's episode, Kelly Bensimon had a full-out unraveling session.  Disturbing to watch someone talk in non-sensical terms, accuse another cast member of trying to kill her (a tiny, pregnant woman, no less) and accusing yet another of channeling the devil.


Yes, it was more sad than it was entertaining.  Her response?  "I had a breakthrough, not a breakdown."    Whatever makes the voices in your head happy, Kelly.  Now go do a cartwheel.


She also added that her "breakthrough" incident "makes for awesome TV.  Can't argue there, but what about about her public perception?  I recently heard a quote from Jill Zarin suggesting that it was best for Kelly not to return to the show because it's not doing anything positive for her.  I couldn't agree more.


There you go ladies, looks aren't everything.  Being mentally sound and not inflicting fear of what you might do, every time you walk into a room is highly underrated.

What Was That?

I've been guilty of correcting people's English without invitation to do so... I can't help it!  It's my job to correct English.  I can't help but resist the need to correct the speaker when I hear, "I haven't went there before."  NOOO!!  You haven't gone there before.  Respect your past participles, people.

This is why I've had such a hard time listening to somewhat intelligent women on The Real Housewives of New York use their version of the present perfect tense.  Or collectively fail to use it and use the present tense instead.
WHAT???


The first few times, I thought for sure I heard that wrong.  She didn't say, "We know each other for 20 years."  Clearly she wasn't enunciating and she actually, maybe through some blurry wine buzz said, "We've known each other for 20 years."


At last season's reunion show when Kelly was crying about her ex-boyfriend accusing her of domestic violence, she complained about the harm to her reputation, "My name!  My name that I built since I'm a kid!"  NO!  Since you were a kid, you idiot.


But it's NOT just her!  All of them do it and it drives me nuts.  What's going on in English classes in New York schools?  Or is it a regional dialect that so offends the ear?  Ugh... 

Double Real!

If you share the same fascination with cougars who have too much money and botox and little regard for humanity as I do, you might be as ashamed as I am to be super excited for the "Real Housewives" double-header tonight! That's right, in Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Orange County" finale tonight, Tamara, her teen-aged wardrobe, and her dark roots will demand a divorce! And some of the past OC hoochies will come back. Who cares? But after that... it's "The Real Housewives of New York" premiere! I like them the most. Probably because they're the closest to actual humans. Except for Ramona who's pretty nuts and had one too many eye lifts. Looks like she'll be stirring up plenty of drama this season, touching on everything from Kelly's wayward boobs (seriously, wear a bra lady!) to the recently divorced "Countess" being called "Countless" by Ramona's sleazy husband. One of my favorite cast members had been Bethenny Frankel, who seems to be becoming... unlikable. Shocking, I know. Maybe's it's because the "Skinny Girl" mogul is prego. But nothing is more disturbing than the former "Countess" Luann de Lesseps becoming... a pop star? WTF??? Is that really a classy move, Countess? Take a page from Heidi Montag's book, it's not worth the humiliation. Didn't you see Kim Zolciak sing "Tardy for The Party?" A tsunami of a performance that could not be saved by a back-up track.