Guilty...

 Who's guilty?  That'd be me.  No, I didn't brawl outside the Orlando courthouse for tickets, but I have spent the last 2 weeks glued to HLN (a station I didn't know existed before this circus) and live tweeting all throughout the trial.  Nancy Grace (who needs grief counseling over her loss) went on about "little kee-lee" and made it clear she'd be a strong suspect when a freed Casey Anthony goes missing.  Yes, it's gross that so many Americans and international  people with too much damn time on their hands alike, have been obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial.


It started with me doing preliminary casting for the inevitable Lifetime Movie (maybe a mini-series would do a better job of feeding this voracious audience at this point?).  I was calling Alyssa Milano to play the most unpopular individual next to Bin Laden, Ben Affleck with a stash and goatee to play the accused molester brother, Edie Falco to make us sob for the grieving grandma, and my fellow tweep, @Paul_DPW threw out James Brolin as the accused molester father/accused adulterer with a total hag/accused dumper of his own granddaughter's body.  And you think you had a tough week.


The more I watched the trial, the more I thought, what a pack of buffoons trying this case.  Who didn't want to punch Baez in his smug, fat face?  And why was Linda Drane-Burdick being hostile to everyone, including her own witnesses (an excellent example of why so many people have misgivings about female litigators).  This is the best that Florida has?  Poor Florida.

More than that, why did the state bring this case against Casey Anthony with no hard evidence... at all?  And didn't they know first-degree murder was a long shot on circumstantial evidence?  Given that, they could have at least made an effort to try to prove that Caylee was in the care of her mother Casey at the time of her death... never saw that brought up at trial, making the second count of aggravated child abuse off the table as well.  Oh Florida!


Do I think she's responsible for her daughter's death?  Probably.  Do I agree with the verdict?  Absolutely.  There was no evidence directly linking Casey to Caylee's death and we should all be grateful that we live in a country where trials are not decided by emotion, but by facts.  This very unpopular decision was the correct one and I commend the jury for having the courage to uphold the law as it was written.


If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at the prosecution.  Their evidence was simply insurmountable... and christ, I don't have a JD and I saw that all day long.  


And let's face it, everyone who's throwing an emotionally-raged fit over a woman they've never met, will be the same people tuning in to watch the Casey Anthony reality show on TLC,  "You're Killin' Me, Casey!"

Dog Gone Grief

It's been 43 days since Bailey left.  I have never felt such a profound sense of sadness, emptiness, and grief.  I've never cried so much or felt more confused in my life.  I know that pets in our lives are a short-term bargain, but it's so difficult to understand how the greatest part of you can just walk out of your life one day.


I'm grateful that I knew every day of Bailey's physical life, that I did know exactly what I had and exactly how lucky I was.  I used to ask Bailey out loud, "Why me?  How did I get so lucky to have you?"  I've said so many times that Bailey is perfect, and he was.  And in some funny ways his passing was perfect, too.  I had been on break from work from December 18th to February 7th.  Yes, a very long break where I got to be home with Bailey.  He began to decline on February 7th.  He passed February10th and I had to be on set the next morning, February 11th shooting, "A Series of Unfortunate People."  As horrible as it was, it would have been more horrible to be home without Bailey and without that wonderful distraction.  The veterinarian who put Bailey down was the biggest douche-bag in veterinary medicine.  Even in the darkest moment of my life with Bailey, there was something to laugh about.


About two years ago, I began grieving his death.  I know that sounds nuts, but every few months, I'd lay awake in bed, thinking about the fact that he'd leave one day, and I'd just cry and cry.  Of course, he hated this.  Bailey was so full of love, but oh boy, he HATED it when I cried.


I will not go into the details of Bailey's passing because it's just too painful.  I will say we spent the last day together outside, Bailey, Phil and I.  He had a chicken breast and held a tennis ball for me.  He had two bad days and then he told me under no uncertain terms that he was ready to go, and I listened.

Every day has felt like a bad dream.  I feel like a kid who was running around having a great life who had no idea just how very sad life can be.  I remember looking at random people, not understanding how they could be smiling and happy when they didn't even have a dog.  Happiness without Bailey just didn't seem possible.


Everyone who offered advice to me said much of the same 1) It just takes time. 2) You'll never really get over it.  And they're right.  Time has helped.  It still often feels like time can't pass quickly enough.  I still have moments when I'd really like for my physical life to be over so I can be with Bailey again.  And I absolutely will never get over losing Bailey.  It is a part of me that will always remain changed.

Several days after Bailey passed I made an appointment with an animal communicator to talk with Bailey.  For me, that was very stupid and an act of desperation.  Very soon after, a film producer/director asked me to do the voice of a dog for one of his movies.  I remember thinking as I stood there performing large chunks of dialogue to a big microphone, in a "dog voice," how ridiculous it was to try to put human words to a dog's train of thinking.  If dogs could really talk, it wouldn't be much more than, "Life is good.  I love you.  What's for dinner?"  And trying to make human words speak for a dog was not helpful to me.  I regret having kept that appointment with the animal communicator, but it did teach me something very important: Stop looking outside of yourself for the answers.  You already have them and Bailey told you EVERYTHING.

Today I no longer fear death.  I no longer have a sense that there is something life can throw at me that I can't handle.  I no longer stress about things that are unimportant - losing the best thing in my life shined a very bright light on how insignificant all the crap I worry about really is. I understand that no one can ever really know how I feel, because no one else is me and no one else is Bailey.  That relationship, like all pet relationships, is so unique and so special that no one else really should understand how I feel.  It's just between me and Bailey.  Today I am convinced more than ever that Phil should be cannonized, St. Phil of Lomita, and if ever I was meant to spend my life with another person, it is Phil Han.  And today I understand that having a dog in my life is imperative.


Humphrey  will be the next dog in my life.  Bailey was perfect so I'm convinced Humphrey will be a major pain in the ass, but we'll love him anyway.  And Bailey will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.


I made a website in Bailey's honor.  He deserves so much more than that but please visit and leave a comment on the "Bailey Memories" page if you'd like to share a Bailey story.  Professor Bailey

Buckeyes, Please!

No, I am not a raging fan of the Ohio Buckeyes, but I sure do have a thing for these, my favorite treat I make only at the holidays!  They were introduced to me as a child in Connecticut by the Nebesky Family.  It never occurred to me that I could actually make them, until my sister started making them around the holidays.


The reaction?  They're peanut butter and chocolate CRACK.  People go NUTS  for them!  Such a huge hit!  Which is great, because leftovers are not exactly figure-friendly...


OK, so I'm officially on vacation today and I'm making these for the second time this holiday season.  If you know me personally, I'm not much of a cook... to say the least, which is why I love this recipe even more... NO COOKING involved!  Here goes:

BUCKEYES

  1 (16 oz.) box confectioners' sugar

1/2 c. melted butter
2 c. peanut butter
3 c. crushed Rice Krispies
1 (12 oz.) bag Nestle's real chocolate morsels
1/2 stick paraffin wax (note: I've NEVER used this, with no problem!)

Mix sugar, butter, peanut butter and Rice Krispies in a large bowl. Blend thoroughly with hands until dough forms. Roll into small balls (approximately 1/4 inch in diameter). Place on an ungreased cookie sheet in the freezer for 5 to 10 minutes to harden.

Melt the chocolate morsels and paraffin wax together in a double boiler. After the chocolate is melted, use a toothpick to dip each ball into the chocolate, leaving an oval space on top to make it look like an Ohio buckeye. Makes approximately 100 buckeyes.  

Regarding melting the chocolate... I've had more success just melting it in the microwave.   And I probably only put about half the chocolate on each piece compared to the ones pictured (shocking coming from me, I know!)  


Oh!  And, I recommend putting the rice krispies in a ziploc bag and pounding them out to crush them before adding them to the mix - much easier than crushing them within the mix.


Let me know if you make them and how they turn out!!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Love and Lake!

Oh, how lovely was our 3 night trip to Lake Arrowhead!!!  For the first time I actually recognized how lovely it is to not have to worry about making dinner (ahem, though that's rarely a task I rise to the occasion of) how nice it is to not have to do the dishes (though I now have a dishwasher!)  And to not have to wake up early to go anywhere... although when I have to wake up really early to go anywhere, it's usually an acting job, which has me bouncing out of bed with joy :0)


And yes, Phil and I celebrated our second anniversary and I am so happy to have so much love in my life.  So much that I cried two of the three nights because I missed Bailey SO much.


Details?  Three great nights of sleep at the Lake Arrowhead Resort and Spa.  It was beautiful and wonderful.  Two fantastic breakfasts at Belgian Waffle Works on the lake in Arrowhead Village. Yum!  Thank you to my wonderful manager Joy Stevenson for the tip!  One really cute, super-discounted, new Coach purse from the Coach Outlet in Arrowhead Village and one relaxing, wonderful lemonade mint massage at the Spa of the Pines.  Yay!  Oh, and many, many duck-feeding sessions lakeside.  Um, why do I love to feed the ducks so much?  Especially the baby ones!  What?  Baby?!  


Just kidding! For now...

Home!

Isn't it something the way your surroundings can color the way you see everything?  Well, at least it's true for me, so it's imperative I stay out of jail cells and mental wards as long as possible.  


We have moved!  No more paranoid, mildly insane co-tenant with unruly hair and psychotic dogs dictating when I can do laundry!  Our new home is so beautiful, it makes me so happy every morning that I live there.  Ah, serenity!  


Speaking of serenity, we're off to Lake Arrowhead in a few days to celebrate our two year anniversary!  Last year it was so great to make the trip to "get away from it all."  This year, there's nothing I want to get away from.  Yay new house!!


Have a great weekend everyone!

Yay For Sodium!

Could it be???  A return to blogging?!

Yes.  I started to feel like I was using my blog as an excuse to bitch my heart out, which is just not a good daily practice.  Alas, I've missed it!  I've missed your comments!  So can we talk about SALT?


I loved it.  Not just because it was a relentlessly exciting film, but also because it was an awesome action flick staring a WOMAN.  Yes, I have a thing for women in film.  No, not just the organization that hands out really impressive gift bags at their events, but the actually ladies that grace the screen.  That said, Angelina Jolie in all her glory, was one of about three women who appeared in the movie, among a sea of dudes.  Expected?  Sure, it's the norm.  But what I didn't expect was how thrilled I was to watch a hand-cuffed Angelina Jolie knock out two police officers and take over their cop car in the middle of a high speed chase.  Or... something like that.  But I remember thinking, this is so much more worth watching her do this rather than Bruce Willis!


I also kept picturing her slew of children watching their mom be a total badass, kill dozens of people, kick lots of ass and run what looked like about three marathons.  I once saw my mom chase my sister around the entire perimeter of our backyard with a wooden spoon.  Not the same. 


Alright!  Have a great Sunday night!  I'm ready to watch episode 2 of Mad Men with an open mind.  


Hugs!

Today I Saw...

One of my best, best friends I hadn't seen in a long time, her gorgeous new Mercedes, Bailey happily go on a longer than usual walk, that Women in Film does a really great job with their gift bags (such a score, thank you Erin!!), that all of my pants still fit after my enchilada fiesta today (shocking!), yesterday's  Friday Night Lights, Frances McDormand's first film Blood Simple which exceeded my expectations, some neighbors, an episode of "Dexter" which I'm really getting into (thank you Netflix via the Wii!!), and that filing for unemployment really isn't as frustrating as I make it out to be.  


Not a bad Saturday! Cheers!